Collaborative Carnage

Mutation 29: Love The One You're With, Again

By Rob

Arch-mage Suave had been working at the computer console for the last four hours when the Adversary walked in. Before that, he couldn't remember anything after the reboot. He felt like he had been torn to pieces and reassambled, which was what literally had happened. The Adversary asked, "How are we doing?"

Suave said, "Over half the Succubi Squad are either dead or missing. With what's left of the tribbles, it'll be a few days before we can make some more. I have no idea what happened to Spite, Molt, Lifesuck, Dr. Bruce, or Multi, but MadCow and Sister Twisted are still here in the Death Star, and CowLord 2000 is operational again. Both Enterprizes have gone missing, and we don't have any other starships. There's some TIE fighters in the west hanger so we can make small transports, but we'll need something big before we can make a major one. Steve and Stephen are still in the prison cell, but I have no idea where Rob went off to. All the heroes are scattered. I've been able to locate a few of them, but it'll be a while before I find all of them. The Azure Drake completely dissapeared from its sector in space, to I don't know where, and the few crew members I could locate weren't on board. The Death Star isn't fully functional yet, but it will be soon. On a good note my collection of Gucci clothes seems to have survived the reboot intact, and are sitting safely in my closet."

The Adversary said, "Our main concern is finding Rob. But put some of our resources into finding CowLord, he's still a threat. Once Rob is found, everything will fall into place."

"The thing is," said Suave. "He seems to have disappeared completely. I don't know where he is, but wherever it is, it's far away.

Rob felt like he had a hangover. The thing was, he didn't remember doing anything that would give him a hangover. The last thing he remembered was waking up in the back seat of a police vehicle with Jay and Kay in the front. Then it just all seemed to go black. Now he was stuck in some Mexican jail cell he shared with Biff, Dr. Bruce, Jay, and Kay.

Jay said, "OK, now we got to think this shit through. How the hell we going to bust out of this joint?"

"Let's back up a little bit here," said Rob. "Can anyone one remember exactly how we came to end up in a Mexican jail cell?"

Everyone just looked puzzled. Dr. Bruce added, "Or does anyone know why in a Mexican jail cell they have a German woman named Evette gaurding us?"

"That's inconsequential here, professor," said Kay. "The important thing is getting out. Now does anyone have any ideas?"

Biff said, "Biff no like jail. Biff lonely. Biff need friend. Biff need be held." And then he leaned up against Dr. Bruce and placed his head on Bruce's shoulder.

Dr. Bruce said, "My counterpart seems to be suffering from the sexual phsycological burdens of prison life at an accelerated rate, and he seems to have chosen me as his bitch, making our necessity for an immediate escape all that more urgent."

Jay said, "You guys are gonna be getting jiggy with it."

Lord Cool was having a drink in the Kingsport Spaceport cantina when Stupidhead the Weak came back to him, with a gorrilla-like female. Stupidhead said, "This is Gilbacca. She's first mate on a ship called the Milenium Falchion, and they may be able to take us where we need to go."

The two walked over to a table where Han Solo sat with his second mate Jar Jar Binks. Stupidhead the Weak said, "I need passage on to the Death Star. No cargo, just myself, my friend, and two andriods. We will pay handsomely. Five thousand gold pieces."

Han Solo said, "Flying to the Death Star is a suicide mission. I'm going to need at least ten thousand to do it."

Stupidhead the Weak said, "I only have five thousand, but as an added bonus my companion here will perform free blow jobs on all crew members during the voyage."

Han Solo said, "It's a deal."

"Wait a minute," said Lord Cool. "I never agreed to do any blow jobs."

"Shut up L.C. I got us passage."

"So," said Han. "I'd like to take a look at these andriods of yours."

Stupidhead the Weak said, "They're sitting over there." While pointing to LC3 and LC4.

Sugar walked through hell with Minimum Evil and Wesely Crusher. She said, "OK, you're a pacifist, you're a wuss boy, and I don't have my bow. What's more, Minumum Evil said he saw something scary that looked like a Zerg before he found us, so if it finds us, we're screwed."

Crusher said, "Sugar, it's not an it, it's a they. They're standing over there."

Sugar said, "Shit." and got ready to fight.

One of the Zerg rushed at Minumum Evil and he ran away. He was just fast enough to keep a distance. Crusher set his phaser to kill and said he thought he could take on the one farthest to the right. That left fourteen Zerg for Sugar to kill unarmed.

They ran at her and she flipped through the air over their heads. She punched one in the face and then kicked it. The others were turning around now and coming at her for another pass. She jumped in the air and caught hold of the ceiling, pulling herself upward. She let her legs drop and wrapped them around one's neck, twisting it. The alien squirmed even after its neck was broken, and it threw Sugar off the ceiling. One came rushing at her from behind, and its head exploded as a laser blast landed right on it. Eight more were coming after her now, so she turned to run, and noticed she had backed herself up against the wall. She turned to face them all at once.

Dolt, dressed in bright red and orange with strange metal balls at his waist, jumped out in front of her and screamed, "DOLT LUUUUUNGREEEEENNNN, Pokemon Trainer."

Dolt threw a ball from his belt and yelled, "I choose you Pickachu."

A small Pickachu materialized from the ball. The Zerg looked it over, try to figure out what it was. Dolt said, "Thunder shock now!"

A tiny electrical storm surronded the Pickachu, and the Zerg were shocked into submission. Dolt called back the Pickachu, and started throwing out empty balls to catch the Zerg.

Sugar said, "Dolt? Is that you?"

Molt Lungren"Why yes fair lady. And who would you be?" Sugar wondered if he really didn't know who he was.

Suddenly Spite appeared and said, "Prepare for trouble."

Then Molt came forward and said, "Make it double."

"To protect the world from devistation."

"To unite all people within our nation."

"To denouce the evils of truth and love."

"To extend our reach to the stars above."





Lifesuck added, "LIFESUCK!!, THAT'S RIGHT!"

Garfield walked to the fridge, planning on savoring the left-overs of last nights lasagna dinner. When he got there he noticed Deathspit had eaten the last of it. He couldn't believe this. Some stupid mut thought he could eat Garfield's lasagna? It was about time this dog got a swift kick. Garfield swung back his leg, and gave it to him.

Deathspit turned around and swallowed Garfield whole. Jon yelled, "Deathspit, bad dog. You spit him out this instant!"

Deathspit spit out the furry thing that used to be a cat, now bald, scarred, and in pain as acid was burning through its skin.

The timing was perfect. The Succubi Squad was too low in numbers for them to have any real gaurds right now. And Suave was busy trying to get everything into working order again. Red Vex sneaked through the Death Star and into detention center.

Once there she quickly found the writer's cell, and blasted the lock with a blood star. She said, "I've come here to rescue you. Steve, could you move a little to the left. And Steve you move a little to the right. I'm going to blast away your chains."

"Hold up," said Steve. "This is confussing. Why don't you just call me Steve, and call him dickless?"

Solo opened up her eyes and forced herself out of bed. Ever since they ended up here she felt sick. As she walked towards the door it opened up for her, and she entered the corridors of the Starship Enterprize. Looking around she saw dozens of herself running around the ship performing different tasks. She didn't ever think she get used to those things. Sure, maybe it wasn't really her, but it was her body and those things were showing it off with no shame. It was the same as someone seeing her that indecent.

She walked into the bridge, and saw Ichabod sitting on the wood boards that were used to repair the damage CowLord2000 did, with CowLad by his side. Several Multi's were spread around running the bridge.

CowLord looked different now that he didn't have his armor on. He was wearing some armor, but it was just a few bits and pieces of Succubi Squad armor he managed to meld into something. She guessed that after wearing it for so long he probably felt naked when he didn't have some kind of space suit on. At least he didn't seem to have any recolection of her outburst on the Enterprize before the crash, or possibly he was just choosing not to mention it now. One of Multi turned to him and said, "CowLord, we've reached the destination. Coming out of light speed now."

The ship slowed down, and Solo saw the white lines across the view screen morph into stars millions of miles away. Then she saw one huge star directly in front of it. She screamed, "CowLord, that bitch betrayed us. She's going to fly us right into it. We have to get back."

CowLord said, "Hush. We're fine. I know what I'm doing."

As the ship went forward Solo grabbed the Multi at the pilots station and shook her yelling, "You know this ship can't handle going into a sun. You have to turn it around!"

The Multi duplicated itself into two, one to handle the controls, and one to be shook up by Solo. As the ship flew into the sun, Solo expected everything to be over with. She closed her eyes for a second, but had to open them once more. They passed straight through the outside. The star was only an illusion, and now they were inside of it. It was dark, illuminated somewhat by a faint glow that radiated from the illusions outside. In the center a stone temple floated in space. CowLord pointed to it and said, "Land there."

After the ship had come down, Solo, Wirt, CowLord and one of Multi walked into the transporter. Another Multi took the controls and beamed them down.

Solo looked around. It was just a run-down temple. It was large, but it didn't look like anything was here. And she wondered why anyone would waste resources and spend time putting an illusion the size of a star around this place. Anything powerful enough to do that would be far too powerful to need any sort of magical artifact or weapon in creation. She turned to CowLord and said, "What is this place?"

Ichabod said, "It's called the Life Sun. I've only ever been here once. They say that this is the place where all life started. Everything in the Battle Net came from this place. Even the Boojum. But the Boojum hid this place, trapped it. It created that barrier so no man would ever come here again and release it."

Solo said, "Release what?"

CowLord didn't answer. His attention was focused on a lever off to the side. He tried to pull it up, but it was too heavy. He had come to reley on the strength of his suit too much lately. He called his companions over to help.

The four put all their strength into it, and the rusty lever went up. They could here chains moving somewhere, and the two great doors before them opened. Solo looked inside and saw a huge brightness emerge. It was almost like looking at the Boojum or the Adversary, but different. Inside them you saw submission, control, and slavery. Inside this thing there was something else. An essence of life. It was like the absolute absence of control. Everything suddenly felt so random that it scared Solo, she had no idea what to expect. She asked, "Who are you?"

A voice from the brightness answered her, "I have many names. I am he who feeds on chance and randomness. He who strives for absolute entropy. I am a prisoner of this wretched jail, waiting for a starship to carry me out. I am The Hand of Fate, The Strife Bringer, The Cursor. I am Choas Infinite.

Is Choas Infinite strong enough to face the Adversary? What will become of Feminine Evil and the Boojum? Will Dolt become a pokemon master? Will Stephen ever get his manhood back? Are Biff and Dr. Bruce going to get jiggy with it? Will any of these questions really be answered when Steve writes the next chapter? Stay tuned and find out.


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Last update: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 06:16 AM
Tales of The is 1999 - 2004 by Steven Dong.
The individual chapters of Collaborative Carnage are the property of the authors, used by permission or implied consent.
All music is the property of its composers, used by permission.

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