Mutation 27: When Pigs Fly
Solo stood by the wreckage. Ichabod was missing. The Enterprise was totaled. Most everyone survived the crash with only minor injuries, but that didn't matter now. They didn't have a ship and without a ship they couldn't reach the Death Star to stop the Adversary.
Stupidhead the Weak approached Han Solo and said, "Don't you have a ship we can use?"
Han said, "Yeah, but I left it at docking bay ninety-four in the Kingsport spaceport. We'd never be able to get to it in time before they found Rob."
"Well," said Sugar. "Rob's still on the ground. Maybe we should split up into groups and try to find him before they do."
"That'd be useless," said Crusher. "He could be anywhere. We have no idea where to look, and we don't have any ship sensors to scan with. They'll have him before we even get close."
Han said, "Maybe Kuperman can fly us all up there. He'd be strong enough to carry us."
Dolt said, "Did you see CowLord 2000? No, he's probably dead, or barely alive if he's still around."
Minimum Evil said, "Well Charmander can fly. He can take us up there."
Solo said, "It's useless. He could only manage to carry one of us, and not any of the heavy guys like Dolt, Biff, or Lord Cool. Face it. It's over. We lost. Pigs will fly before we find a way to get up there." Suddenly they heard a deafening yell, "COWLORD FEARS NOTHING!" Looking up they saw Ichabod riding a flying pig into battle. Behind him were hundreds of bullrogs flying along side. A few swooped down and picked up the heroes one by one, all heading for the Death Star.
As the bullrogs approached, the Death Star opened fire. However the station was designed to fight off a handful of large ships with heavy weapons, not hundreds of man-sized bullrogs. Although some brave bovines perished that day, the bulk made it through the fire. As they approached the entrance, Ichabod cast Cheese Curse, and turned the front end of the Death Star into a wall of swiss cheese that the bullrogs could fly through.
A team of succubi storm troopers came marching down the corridor. Stupidhead the Weak cast Apocalypse, causing every molecule in their bodies to burst at once. Solo's eye was caught by eight more of her standing off to the side. She rushed at them followed by Sugar.
MadCow jumped out at CowLord. CowLord shouted, "BEHOLD THE POWER OF CHEESE!" and morphed him into a dairy product. Dolt, Biff and Lord Cool were busy trying to subdue Spite, who was proving too tough for even their combined might. Deathspit and Lifesuck were off discussing solutions to end the energy crises over a cup of tea.
CowLord yelled, "QUICKLY, THIS WAY!" And ran off. Stupidhead the Weak, Elsie, and Wesley Crusher followed.
Arch-mage Suave crawled into the Adversary's chambers, bleeding heavily. He said, "They breached the outer walls. They have an army of bullrogs behind them. Most of my succubi squad is dead, and they're on their way here. It looks like it's over."
The Adversary said, "It's not over. It's only just beginning. I'll hold them off. You get to the computer system and go for a full reboot. We haven't lost yet."
Stupidhead the Weak turned the corner to see the Adversary standing before him. He said, "Max?"
As the others came around the Adversary drew a sword of darkness from his hand. He swung it through the air and a black disc raced down the corridor towards the foursome dodged. CowLord screamed, "MILK WAVE!" And he sent a flooding wave of milk towards the disc, stopping it. Then CowLord tried cheese curse on the Adversary, only to find it had no effect.
The Adversary stood there, calling upon dark forces to summon forth a town portal. When it appeared it was pitch black, and began sucking them into the void. Elsie flew straight through it. Stupidhead the Weak was lucky enough to cast Telekinesis shortly before going through. Wesley and CowLord held on for their lives.
Stupidhead the Weak caught his footing and cast Apocalypse once more. The Adversary stood there unharmed. "It's useless," shouted CowLord. "Max's body is too strong for any physical spells to take effect."
Stupidhead said, "Max was an unholy abomination. We may still have a chance."
Stupidhead the Weak tried casting one last spell, he sent a Holy Bolt flying straight at the Adversary. The magic cracked his armor, and pushed him backwards. Stupidhead began casting the spell over and over, and CowLord joined in. Before long they had the Adversary stunned and slowly losing the mortality he had taken with the human body. Wesley Crusher ran down the corridor while they were distracting him.
Arch-mage Suave forced himself on to his knees and placed his fingers on the keyboard. He pushed down on Ctrl, Alt, and Delete. Crusher burst through the door brandishing a phaser and said, "Hold it."
Suave said, "Too late." And pushed the buttons again.
Wesley looked up and read on the monitor, "Windows is now shutting down."
E-mail: comments (at) theboojum.com