Collaborative Carnage

Chapter 26: Split Personality Severed

by Rob

As the next generation Enterprise left, Arch-mage Suave yelled, "Succubi Squad, return to the ship. We're going after them."

As the squad scurried around trying to fall into formation, Red Vex stepped out of the ruins of Ogden's bar that she had been hiding in. She walked over to one of the fallen Succubi and quickly took off the body armor. Once she got it on herself she ran into the first generation Enterprise. The enemy had been infiltrated.

"So, then me and Jar-Jar got the Enterprise working and we flew it here ourselves. We weren't expecting an all out firefight, but when we saw it, we had you guys quickly come aboard," said Wesley Crusher.

"Interesting Story," said Stupidhead.

Suddenly Lord Cool walked in to the deck. Stupidhead the Weak said, "How did he get here. I thought he was in Elsie over there."

"I can't explain it," said Crusher. "The only way for that to happen is if someone bypassed the warp containment field regulators and tap directly into the prehensile diabolic retention grid. But myself and Jar Jar are the only ones intelligent enough to do that, and we've been working on the ship all day."

Deathspit jumped on Lord Cool licking his face and barked, "Roof, roof, roof, bark, roof, bark, yap, roof." (Translation: It's good to see you again old chap. It took some doing, but once I figured out that the particle accelerators on this ship were designed to handle interdemensional travel across the Battle Net and not single space continuum travel, it all fell together nicely.)

Lord Cool said, "Oh yes, aren't you a good doggie," while petting him.

Deathspit said, "Roof, bark, yap, yap, bark, roof, yap." (Translation: Of course, good is only a matter of perspective and based on what society deems positive actions and attributes. Now I'd enjoy a tummy rub.)

"Well this is a nice reunion," said Sugar. "But does anyone have any idea what to do next?"

"Well," said Biff. "Our adversary, who ironically enough refers to himself as the Adversary, is after the three creators who came to this pocket dimension several days ago. He is under the impression that by having control of them he can consequently control the universe, which he is correct for assuming. So far though he's only managed to obtain one of the threesome. So I'd say our best course of action would be to look for the other two before he finds them."

"Good idea Biff," said Stupidhead.

"Why thank you, good man. I must say sometimes I manage to impress myself with my uncanny intelligence."

Suddenly a toilet flushed and Biff walked out of the bathroom. Biff turned to the other Biff and said, "Who you? Why you Biff?"

The other Biff said, "Why hello my dim-witted doppleganger, it seems our paths have come together again."

Biff said, "You not me, Biff. You big word Biff."

Stupidhead the Weak said, "One of them is definitely the evil twin. But which?"

Lord Cool said, "They're so much alike it's remarkable. It'd be impossible to tell them apart."

Then one of the twins said, "Oh come on you overglorified excuses for monkeys, I think it's quite clear which one of us is a simple minded Neanderthal incapable of two syllable words and which is the genius Dr. Bruce."

Solo said, "So you're saying that you're the real one?"

"No you moronic quasi-lesbian, I'm Dr. Bruce."

Stupidhead the Weak said, "OK, I think that one on the right might be the twin. ATTACK!"

Dr. Bruce"Wait," screamed Dr. Bruce. "Give me a moment to explain. The Adversary seeks to control this entire universe. It's true that I am his creation, but he created me with free will. If he gains control of the universe on the levels he expects to, I will be completely controlled by him to. I would be nothing more than a slave to his desires. That is why I have chosen to align myself with you."

Suddenly a storm of photon torpedoes hit the ship. Jar Jar said, "Exqueeze me, Jar Jar lost shields. Warp drives down. Jar Jar switching to secondary power."

Crusher said, "They seem to be hailing us. I'm putting them on screen."

Arch-mage Suave came up on the view screen and said, "Listen to me, whoever's currently in charge over there. I don't care anything about you or your ship. Just hand over CowLord and I'll let you go."

Crusher said, "What should we do Stupidhead?"

Stupidhead the Weak said, "I never say die. Ready the torpedoes and fire."

The energy field in the torpedo bay of the next generation Enterprise fired up, and in moments a launch attempt was made. A single body flew outward from the ship and headed towards the first generation Enterprise. The war cry "COWLORD FEARS NOTHING!" echoed through the sky.

Rob walked into Tristram and couldn't believe the damage that had been done. "A firefight must've broken out here." He just hoped that Steve was all right. He flicked his lighter and lit up. That's when Journeymen Jay and Kay approached. Kay said, "Boy, is that marijuana that you're smoking there?"

Rob said, "No, I roll my own cigarettes."

"Well that sure smells like weed to me," said Jay. "What's with the needle sticking out of your arm?"

Rob said, "I'm diabetic."

"C'mon boy," said Kay. "We're not fools. If you're diabetic why's it filled with heroine then?"

"It's a new kind of insulin. It's called herolin."

"I think you better come with us."

"No, I don't think so."

A surprised look went over Kay's face. He was shocked. He said, "Can you please hold on a minute while I talk to my associate?"


Jay and Kay went a way for a minute and whispered to each other for a while. Then they came back and Kay said, "Will you please come with us?"

Rob said, "No."

"Hang on for just one more minute."

The two walked away again. Kay said, "Well I don't get it. We asked him to come, and he said no. What do we do now?"

"I'm all out of ideas," said Jay. "That please thing was the best I had."

"Maybe," said Kay. "We should use one of those futuristic weapons we have to subdue him."

"Great idea Kay. I know just the one. It's a device we picked up from the Altron galaxy."

Jay walked over to Rob and pulled a plunger out of his suit. He said, "OK, now you're coming with me."

"What?" asked Rob. "What are you going to do? Suck me to death?"

"Why yes," said Jay. Jay took the plunger and landed it on Rob's face. Rob struggled to get it off, but it was stuck on his head. Jay pumped it, eliminating any air Rob had in his lungs. Within minutes Rob had fallen unconscious.

The Adversary called Arch-mage Suave into his chambers. He said, "Let me ask you a question Suave. What do you get if you take CowLord and eliminate Ichabod?"

Suave was puzzled. The Adversary said, "I present to you CowLord 2000."

CowLord 2000 walked out from the other room. It was CowLord's Terran body armor all right, but there wasn't a person inside. Instead there was some woman inside.She   looked almost like a robotic or cyborg woman.

The Adversary said, "I took the pieces of the stolen LC1 android and combined them with CowLord's armor. Now we have a fully functional super robot at our command. I'd like you to take him and show him the ropes."

Steve was walking through the forest trying to figure out where he was. He had thought he knew where he was an hour ago, but if he was right he should be at the amazon village right now. Walking out into a clearing he looked up to see where the sun was. Maybe he had gone off in the wrong direction since he checked last.

Looking up he saw the starship Enterprise coming near him. He was nearly crushed and barely had time to back up out of the field before it landed. He yelled, "Kirk, that you? You still alive?"

The loading ramp fell down, and two dozen succubi storm troopers approached. "Shit, this ain't good."

Arch-mage Suave stepped off and said, "I don't want to hurt you. Just surrender."

He turned to run but a second Enterprise landed behind him. This time when the ramp opened, Stupidhead the Weak, Biff, Lord Cool, Elsie, Dolt, Solo, Sugar, and some Superman parody walked out. Stupidhead the Weak said, "Leave him. He's ours."

The Succubi Squad opened fire, but were stopped by the ship's force fields. Stupidhead the Weak said, "We came prepared for battle this time, and our ship is a century superior to yours. Give up, victory is hopeless."

Then from the Suave's ship came, "COWLORD 2000 FEARS NOTHING!" The robot-suit strolled out, and fired two high blast missiles at the ship. A short blink of energy and the shields were out.

Inside Crusher screamed into the comlink, "Dr. Bruce, we just lost shields. Divert more power and get them up now!"

The first generation Enterprise fired a series of photon torpedoes. The first few hit the ground and sent the heroes flying, the next few hit the ship.

Lights went out, the ship shook, and computers exploded on the bridge. Crusher screamed, "Bruce, I need shields up now!"

Bruce came back, "We've lost main engines, there's a radiation leak in levels one through ten, Jar Jar is in ten pieces, and the crystal's been damaged. I can get shields around this ship, but I can't extend them to the heroes outside."

Solo was starting to get up, after being knocked away by the blast. She heard a low voice from the bushes say, "Oh please save me."

Turning towards it she saw CowLord hiding without his armor. She said, "CowLord, thank God you're OK."

The little man looked confused for a moment then said, "Help me please. I'm just a simple conjurer from Tristram. I was doing research on the Battle Net to save the town from the demon Diablo, and I don't remember anything after that."

Stupidhead the Weak sent out streams of fireballs trying to break the succubi lines up as Kuperman flew into battle. Sugar saw Steve running in circles like a chicken with its head cut off. She turned back to Dolt who landed near by and said, "Go out there and get him."

Dolt rushed through the bloodstar bullets and threw Steve over his shoulder. He raced back to the ship, and ran full speed into the shields as he tried to get in. Steve looked by him and saw Dolt was unconscious. Looking up he saw Arch-mage Suave looming over him. He said, "Please don't kill me."

Suave took out his sword and ran it through Steve's chest, then grabbed the body and carried on board the Enterprise with him.

Suave said, "Call back the succubi and prepare to take off.

"What about CowLord 2000?" asked MadCow

"He has flying capability. Leave him to distract them while we away."

As the ship began to leave Stupidhead the Weak said, "We've got to get back inside and catch them."

Kuperman said, "I'll take care of CowLord. You just go and get Steve back." He flew into the machine man letting it take the full force of his Kryptonian body. Meanwhile his companions reboarded the Enterprise.

Hidden back within one of the sleeping quarters, Solo could still manage to hear her friends yelling commands as they pursued the old Enterprise. Meanwhile she sat there with CowLord, well Ichabod anyways, trying to talk some sense into him.

Ichabod said, "I'm really not cut out for this whole battle thing. Just not my cup of tea. I really don't see how I can be of any assistance to you."

"Listen to me Ichabod, you know something that can save us. You need to remember it."

MadCow said, "Sir, they're within firing range now."

Suave said, "Shit," as a beam of energy cut through his ship, tearing it apart.

MadCow said, "Sir, they've disabled our primary power, we've lost two engines, and we don't have enough power left for shields. We can't hold out much longer like this."

"Just keep her up until we reach the Death Star. We just need to make it to the Death Star."

Kuperman pulled himself up off the ground once more. This thing seemed nearly invincible to him. He ran at him one more time and put all of his colossal strength into one mighty blow. He had won a shallow success, and managed to pierce the armor, cracking it open in the chest. CowLord 2000 knocked Kuperman in the face as he tried to free his arm, then threw him ten feet into the forest.

Kuperman got up again and said, "So you want to play rough?" CowLord 2000 fired a missile straight at Kuperman. It hit him in the stomach and carried him thirty yards through the air before detonating, and taking out a good deal of the forest with it. Seeing his enemy defeated CowLord 2000 looked for the location of his ship and got ready to take off.

Kuperman pulled himself out of the ruins with just his left hand. His right hand was gone. He had to stand on his right leg, because the left leg was also gone, along with half of his face that was lost in the rubble. He said, "I see you're scared of me. Go ahead, run away. I won't chase you. I'm a decent guy. I accept your surrender."

CowLord 2000 said, "COWLORD 2000 FEARS NOTHING!" and rushed Kuperman, catching him, and separating his body into two separate parts.

Han Solo said, "They don't have much more left. A few good shots should do them in."

"Lock torpedoes on target, Mr. Solo," said Crusher. Then he heard Elsie shout, "We just lost shields."

Turning back he said, "What? They don't have enough power left to fire a single torpedo. How'd we lose shields?"

Suddenly CowLord 2000 burst through the bridge, leaving a gapping sucking hole behind him. Han Solo and Gilbacca grabbed their blasters and fired at the thing, but it was impervious to their attacks. Biff ran forward yelling, "Cow man die!"

Sugar screamed, "No Biff!" But she was too late. CowLord 2000 sent a wave of destruction across the bridge, knocking Biff into the wall and destroying most of the computer systems.

Stupidhead the Weak noticed the crack in the armor and told Lord Cool to attack. Lord Cool ran towards the cyberman, holding his sword in the air. CowLord 2000 grabbed his arm, and broke his wrist as he fell to the ground screaming, "Uncle." Stupidhead the Weak rushed forward while CowLord 2000 was distracted by Lord Cool. When the machine turned he stuck his staff into it and cast charged bolt. Hundreds of tiny bolts of electricity ran through the suit, multiplying with each ricochet. All of the systems inside the suit and LC1 were short circuiting at once. It just stood there waving around not knowing what to do. Dolt tore the captain's chair out of the ground and whacked it, sending CowLord 2000 flying through the hole he came through.

Crusher said, "Are weapons systems still operational from here?"

Han said, "Yeah, it would look like it."

"Then shoot the Enterprise out of the sky!"

Han went to take aim and looked up at the view screen saying, "We got worse problems now."

They were right in front of the Death Star. The space station opened fire with its outside guns. Crusher screamed, "Full reverse. Put all power into engines."

He heard Dr. Bruce yell, "We're running on a shard of a crystal. We got no power. We got no engines. And soon we ain't going to have a ship."

"I just think you have me confused with someone else."

Solo grabbed Ichabod and said, "Listen to me. You are CowLord. You traveled to the Battle Net and back. You fought along side me against the Zerg. You command a bovine empire. And you know something that can save us. You need to remember. I know your in there CowLord. We need you now. And I love you."

For a moment Ichabod heard a studio audience make an "aww" sound. The remark took him somewhat by shock. He was about to say something, but then he heard Wesley Crusher screaming over the intercom, "All hands abandon ship. All hands abandon ship." Shortly after, there was an explosion as the room seemed to be torn to shreds, and that was the last that either he or Solo could remember about the situation.

Stephen looked over and noticed Spite chaining Steve to the wall with him. He said, "Oh thank God you're here. I want my penis back."

"Um," said Steve. "I can't give it back. I sorta don't have it."

"What do you mean you don't have it! Where the hell is it!"

"Well, yeah, you see, it's kind of complicated. Basically, um, Rob ate it."

"What! Why did Rob eat my penis?"

"Some stupid idea he had to get us out of here. It didn't work out."

"I'll kill him when I see him again."


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Last update: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 06:16 AM
Tales of The is 1999 - 2004 by Steven Dong.
The individual chapters of Collaborative Carnage are the property of the authors, used by permission or implied consent.
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