Collaborative Carnage

Mutation 25: Don't Eat That. You Don't Know Where It's Been.

by Rob

"I can't believe you. Stephen blew up. He's dead. It's your fault. You never should have dropped that damn thing in the incinerator."

"I told you it was an accident, Rob. I didn't mean to do it. I have slippery hands."

"That's it Steve. Hand over my voodoo doll. I want to hold it."

"Well, I would but I can't."

"What do you mean you can't?"

"Well, I sort of lost it back there somewhere."

"That was my fucking voodoo doll."

"Well, I'm sorry. I guess I just can't be trusted with magical devices that can be used to kill my friends."

Rob sat down on the ground for a minute. He said, "Well, you've really done it this time Steve. Because of you Stephen is dead, and he was the only one that could write us out of this mess. And now you've lost my voodoo doll so I'm dead as soon as some animal decides to step on it. To top it off, your lousy directions have us lost in the middle of nowhere with no fucking clue where we are. Any bright ideas now?"

Steve smiled and said, "Now that you've brought it up, I do have one. I figure if we can find a res scroll, all we need is a single piece of Stephen's body and he'll come back to life. Then he can write us out and voila, we're home."

"Great idea Steve, but we left Stephen's pieces way back there."

"Ahhh," said Steve. "But I was smart enough to pick one up."

"Where is it?"

Steve went rummaging through his pocket for several minutes then pulled the last remaining bit of Stephen out. Rob said, "That's sick. Why the hell did you have to take that part?"

Steve said, "It was the smallest piece I could find. I'm surely not dragging around an arm with me."

The original starship Enterprise flew through the sky, under the command of Maximum Evil. Engines slowed as the ship approached the Death Star, the floating castle which the Adversary had recently made its home. Once the ship landed Max stepped out with Arch-mage Suave, and Stephen Van Ham held in chains. Max turned to Suave and said, "Take him to his cell. I have more pressing matters to attend to."

Max walked into the main chamber and got down on one knee. He said, "Oh great master, I have found one of the three that you have so desperately searched for. Right now the other evil twins are getting closer to the other two."

"Good," said the Adversary. "Soon all three creators shall be under my control. Then nothing will be able to prevent my reign over this universe, not even the Boojum. What of the heroes?"

Max said, "They are gathered together in Tristram square right now, celebrating a wedding. I can assure you they are no longer a threat to us."

"They are not. But CowLord is. He knows too many secrets. We will dispose of him shortly. In order for me to speak to our new captive I will need a vessel. A human body to communicate to him. And it must be in the finest condition."

Max said, "I will see to finding you a specimen myself."

"The specimen is already found."

Suddenly Max saw the darkness of the Adversary surround him. A pressing force of evil came upon his body. His eyes were pushed back into his head. A great being entered into his mind, and he screamed in pain as his soul was removed from his body.

Multi"And would you happen to be free later tonight?"

"For you hot stuff, I'll always be free," she said with a giggle.

Suddenly Steve came running down yelling, "Hey Rob, you found someone. Cool."

Rob said, "Get away Steve. I'm working on something here."

The girl turned to Steve and said, "Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Actually it's my dead friend's penis," Steve said, while waving Stephen's severed ding-a-ling in his hand.

"Get out of here Steve," Rob whined. "You're going to ruin it for me."

"Oh don't worry about it," said the girl as an exact duplicate of her appeared. "There's enough of me to go around."

"Jesus Christ, it's Multi! Run, Steve!"

The two took off down the hilly path, when suddenly MadCow jumped out in front of them and hoofed Rob. Steve picked up a big rock and whacked MadCow over the head. The two took off in another direction.

Arch-mage Suave was finishing putting the chains on Stephen when what he at first thought was Maximum Evil walked into the room. Once he got a glance of his face though, he knew what had happened. It was the eyes that gave it away. They weren't there. In place of them was a void, a limitless darkness, that sent a sense of nothingness through him like looking into the adversary always did.

The Adversary said, "Arch-mage Suave, you are now in command of my army. Put together a squadron of storm troopers and prepare the Enterprise. We will be leaving for Tristram shortly.

Suave said, "Succubi squad, assemble."

One hundred female, topless, winged storm troopers ran through the halls and fell into formation. Then he marched them off to the docking bay.

The Adversary turned to Stephen and said, "How are you doing? Did your resurrection go fine?"

Stephen said, "I'm missing my dick, and I want to know what happened to it."

"Your friend Steve has it. Soon we will find him, then it can be reattached. Once I have all three of you here, I will be able to control the direction of this universe, and thus rule it entirely. Your friends have already been found, and soon they shall be brought here with you."

Then the Adversary took a potion out of his armor and said, "In the mean time, I would like you to drink this. It's a little something I put together that I call writer's block. It will prevent you from putting even two words together to form an understandable sentence until you receive the antidote, eliminating any plans you may have to write yourself out."

Ducking behind a rock to catch his breath, Rob said, "OK, I think we lost them for now, but they'll be able to figure out what happened to us soon."

Steve said, "I think I have a plan that may work."

"What is it."

"Well, only Stephen can write us out of this mess right?"


"Well, if one of us were to literally have Stephen inside of us, it may provide a loop-hole to the chapter jumping agreement. Then that person can write us out of here, as if they were Stephen, because part of them would be."

Steve pulled the last piece of Stephen from his pocket and said, "Here, you eat it."

"I'm not eating that. It was your idea you eat it."

"If you'll eat it I'll do anything for you, I swear."


"Well then, I guess I'll have to do this." Steve held the dick above his mouth, procrastinating for a few seconds the inevitable. He slowly dropped it downward into his mouth, the organ hanging just centimeters from his tongue. Then he stopped suddenly and said, "Would you happen to have some ketchup maybe, so you know, I could season it a little."

"Actually I think I do." Rob went through his pockets and pulled out a bottle of Heinz. Steve soaked the thing in ketchup, using almost the entire bottle. Then he returned to the meal.

Steve closed his eyes and said to himself, "It's a hot-dog. Just a hot-dog. It's a hot-dog." Then he let go and let the weenie slip into his mouth. He tasted the tomato of the ketchup on his tongue, and after a few chews he swallowed.

Rob said, "So?"

"It was a little too salty for me. Not the very best penis I've ever eaten."

"No, can you write us out?"

"Hold on, let me see." Steve grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and began writing frantically. Then he looked up and said, "Do you see any naked cheerleader ready to reward me for making the game touchdown?"

Rob looked around then said, "No, it must not work. New plan. The two of us are going to split up. I'll go east, you go west. Hopefully they'll only find one of us."

The wedding festivities were going great. Solo couldn't believe that she never realized how much she truly loved Biff. Sure maybe he didn't bathe, and maybe he was as dumb as an ox, and then there was that whole raging woman no man thing, but Biff had this quality. It was like, well, she couldn't explain it but he had it. But she couldn't get over not knowing what it was. The more she thought about it, the more it didn't seem right. Why did she love Biff. She was sure she loved him, but at the same time she was sure she didn't want him around her in a sexual way.

CowLord turned to Clark Spent and said, "This really is turning out to be a festive party. I'm glad I decided to come after all."

Spent said, "And I'm pleased that you allowed me to come as your date. If I would have known you swung that way I would have said something sooner."

"What are you talking about. I just invited you out for a drink with me. I like women. I like to boink them. I'm the guy who once boinked Drew Carey. I mean Drew Barrymore."

"Hey, settle down," said Spent. "I'm sorry. I just got the wrong impression when you kissed me. No need to get defensive. If you say you're straight, I'll believe you."

CowLord was about to beat the shit out of this guy, then boink some strange girl to confirm his sexuality, when he noticed a starship coming down from the sky and said, "My God, what the hell is that?"

Spent looked up in the sky and said, "I gotta go."

Arch-mage Suave and the Succubi squad came into the town armed with blood star shooting laser rifles and opened fire. Working the bar, Han Solo and Gilbacca picked up a pair of blasters and ran for cover. Stupidhead the Weak let out a barrage of fireballs in every direction. Biff and Dolt started tearing up the front line. Sugar and Red Vex fell back shooting.

Inside of a phone booth Clark Spent ripped off his clothes revealing tight blue underwear with a giant K across the front. Bursting out flying, he yelled, "Evil Doers, kneel before Kuperman."

A stray laser blast knocked a wood board on to Solo's head. As she started to get up dazed things were starting to make sense. She didn't love Biff. Her love was for another. Biff was just some stupid ox that wouldn't take a bath. The bump on her head did her good. Things were going to be all right now.

Stupidhead the Weak turned to Sugar and said, "We can't hold them off much longer, even with Kuperman fighting beside us. We need to get out of here soon."

Suddenly a second Enterprise landed in Tristram, and Wesley Crusher's voice came over saying, "Please hurry, get aboard. There are more important matters to attend to," as the ramp came down.

Stupidhead the Weak, Sugar, Biff, and Dolt all scurried onboard. Then Kuperman, CowLord, Solo, and CowLad got on. Jon Arbuckle grabbed his beloved pets Garfield, Odie, and Deathspit and made a break for the ship. LC3, Biff, Kuperman, Minimum Evil, and Gilbacca loaded up. Pikachu, Riachu, Gigglypuff, Charmandor, and Squirtle got on next. Finally, Han Solo brought up the rear, getting on as the ramp shut.


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Last update: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 06:16 AM
Tales of The is 1999 - 2004 by Steven Dong.
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