Mutation 11: Mull This!
"Don't be ridiculous, of course, you're dead, Jim," said Maximum Evil. "Your warp containment field lagged out. What's left of you wouldn't even rattle in a flea's skull."
Maximum Evil had set up shop in Lazarus' old level and had been busy assigning the Army of Things That Should Not Be to positions throughout the labyrinth when Kirk and company beamed in. He was almost done and was looking forward to getting to know his captive, Sugar, a little better. He had also been looking forward to conducting a little recreational stress-testing on his other captive, Wirt. The interruption was less than welcome.
"We've," said Captain Kirk. "Escaped... certain death... before."
"Not this time," said Max. "You owe your entire existence -- and I use the word generously -- to the good graces of our master, the Adversary. You and your crew are now nothing more than soldiers in the Army of Things That Should Not Be."
"Never!" retorted Kirk. "We are... human! We... choose... to make... choices! We... cannot be made... to... serve... We..."
Maximum Evil hit him with a massive lightning bolt before he could go on about beauty and emotion.
"You cold-blooded, inhuman..." gasped McCoy as Max knelt, snipped off Kirk's ear and pocketed it. Old habits died hard.
Maximum Evil glanced up at the outraged doctor. He sighed and the doctor's shirt morphed from blue to red.
McCoy looked down at his uniform, the horror dawning on his face. "No..." he cried. "Not that! Anything but that! Noooo!" McCoy vanished, but his anguished screams were still audible from Gharbad the Weak's old spot where Max had teleported him.
"Now then," said Maximum Evil, turning to Spock. "Would you like to join the good doctor?"
"That would be illogical. I live to serve."
Max smiled. "You always were the smart one. What have you brought me?"
"Hundreds of Red Shirts, some tribbles and a little Russian guy with a nuclear whistle," replied Spock.
With a thought, Max scattered the Red Shirts throughout the Church levels and placed Chekov in Snotspill's old spot. He'd morph the tribbles into something useful later. "Good," he said. "Didn't you have Solo with you?"
Solo stepped out from behind Spock and Maximum Evil was startled.
"Han Solo," corrected Solo.
"Whatever. Spock, you're a Boss Monster on Level 4." The Vulcan vanished and Maximum Evil turned to Han. "What do you have?"
"Imperial stormtroopers, a bunch of R2 units, and Jar-Jar Binks."
Max distributed the stormtroopers throughout the Church and Catacombs.
Next he morphed the R2 units into barrels and scattered them across the entire labyrinth. He teleported Han to the surface, where he materialized in Ogden's old spot; right across from where Mr. Scott had appeared in Griswold's former position.
Finally, he teleported Jar-Jar into the cage with Wirt.
"Uh-oh," said the amphibian alien. "Jar-Jar thinks he's gon' be in a world of hurt."
"Oh, you have no idea," laughed Maximum Evil.
The labyrinth was ready. The top half was populated with cannon fodder to lull would-be heroes into a false sense of security, while the Caves and Hell were full of creatures that frightened even Max.
The Adversary would be so pleased.
E-mail: comments (at) theboojum.com