Mutation 50½: For the Love of God! Make Him Stop!

by Steve

"Wait a minute," said Rob. "Is that geeky kid a teenaged version of you Steve?"

"You should talk," snapped Steve. "You still are a geeky teenager."

"I am not a geek!" shouted Rob.

"Oh yeah? In the last chapter I wrote, I left you marooned a tropical island with Drew Barrymore and a dozen incredibly horny Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. But you'd rather be here with me telling pee-pee and poo-poo jokes. Face it: You're a geek."

"Well, you're here! Explain that!" said Rob.

"I wrote myself out two chapters ago. You keep writing me back in. Get a life! Or, failing that, at least get a better fantasy," advised Steve.

"Oh, like that stupid island?" snapped Rob.

"What was wrong with the island? I thought I had you pretty well pegged."

"No man could perform under that kind of pressure," complained Rob.

"I took that into consideration. Didn't you read the part where your character attributes changed to double your stamina and the size of your equipment?"

"That's still only ten seconds and three inches!" cried Rob.

Steve winced. That was more information about Rob than he'd ever wanted. "Look," he offered. "How about if we just rewrite you as a superhuman multi-orgasmic stud and send you back?"

"I don't know..." hesitated Rob.

Steve threw his hands up in frustration. "That's it! It's official: George W. Bush is the second dumbest mammal in North America!"

"It's not that," said Rob. "It's just that... that..."

"What?!" snapped Steve.

"I'm a virgin!" Rob wailed. "I'm scared of girls! I know I talk big, but they really, really frighten me! Haven't you read between the lines in my 30BK rants?"

"Actually, I just skim them to see whether or not you say anything nice about HellCraft," admitted Steve.

Rob looked hurt. "Well, if you'd move your ego to one side, you'd be able to see how much trouble I have with girls. They come up to me and smile and say 'hi,' and I have to fake an epileptic seizure until they go away!" He began to sob uncontrollably.

Steve sighed and shook his head. He had some regrets about his teens and early twenties, but Rob made him look like Charlie Sheen. "All right. I have an idea." He opened a Horadrim Portal.

"Where does that go?" asked Rob, drying his eyes.

"On the other side of that portal is a high school locker room full of fourteen-year old boys talking about stories they read in their fathers' copies of Penthouse Forum."

"Really?" sniffled Rob. "You're not just saying that?"

"They're telling jokes they read in Playboy. No girls allowed," said Steve.

"See ya!" said Rob diving through the portal.

"God, I hope not," said Steve as the portal closed. "Stick a fork in me. I'm done. Get me out of this fanfic."

The blast dispersed Steve across time and space.

"Continuity is served."

There was an explosion. Wave after wave of raw lag energy radiated out from the center of the blast and swept across the globe.

Analysis:
Damage to this unit=0%.
Damage to Tristram=100%.
Damage to Sanctuary=100%.
Damage to Divergence, ID: StarFire-1a-a-a=100%.

Recommended action: Seal the remains of this timeline from the Battle Net and proceed with mission.
Additional action: Seal Divergence, ID: Revised Rob Sex Fantasy 1b, from the Battle Net.

Continuity is served.