Wirt was close to closing the deal on the dilithium crystal when there came a blood curdling scream from sick bay. He cursed silently as Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Scottie all ran to investigate.
When he finally caught up to them, the four Starfleet officers were gathered around the mummified husk of a man lying on one of the beds.
"My," said Kirk, "God... Bones. He... must be... a thousand years old!"
"It's worse than that," said McCoy, "He's dead, Jim."
"Aye, but who is it?" asked Scottie.
Spock glanced at his tricorder. "It appears to be Lord Cool."
Wirt gasped, suddenly remembering the last conversation between Lord Cool and Red Vex. He wondered where the Hell Spawn was.
"Can't... you do... anything for him, Bones?" asked Kirk.
"I'm a doctor, not a Res scroll," snapped the country doctor. "It'll be a hundred years before we have the technology to even wipe the smile off his face. If we're lucky, I might be able to save his brain."
Spock consulted his tricorder and willed himself not to remember that god-awful "Spock's Brain" episode. "Lord Cool's brain is small and lightly armored. I calculate that you have a 95 percent chance of successfully preserving his brain."
As McCoy wheeled Lord Cool into surgery, Wirt was straining to hear a soft whimpering noise. "Captain, over here," he said. It was coming from a Jeffries tube.
"What... is it, Spock?"
Spock held his tricorder up to the vent. "It's life Jim, but not as we know it."
"That must be Red Vex!" exclaimed Wirt.
Spock pulled the grate off and Red Vex tumbled to the floor. She was curled into a tight ball and trembling violently.
"Here... let me... help you," offered Kirk pushing Spock out of the way.
Red Vex leaped back to avoid being touched.
"What happened?" gasped Wirt. The she-demon was as skittish as a newborn doe.
"It... it was horrible," she sobbed. "Just horrible. He was so inept. He did things wrong that I never realized could be done wrong. If he had lasted more than thirty seconds..." She shuddered violently at the thought. "I've been a succubus for over three hundred years, but I never realized it could be so bad..."
"What could be so bad? asked Wirt. "Sex?"
"SEX?!" Red Vex shrieked and passed out.
"I've never seen her like this," said Wirt. "It's almost like she's..." He hesitated. It was just too absurd, but he had to say it. "She's frigid."
Red Vex groaned.
"I think she's startin' t' come around," said Scottie.
"COME?!" shrieked Red Vex, and fainted again.
"Bridge to Captain Kirk!" came Uhura's voice. "The Boojum's off the starboard bow!"
Wirt sighed. The prospect of lagging out was actually a relief.
"Come with us, o Virile Ones," the towering Amazon told Stupidhead and Biff. She glanced at Solo. "Take their handmaiden to her quarters," she told two Junior Amazons.
"'Handmaiden?'" sputtered Solo.
"Silence, servant girl to the gods," The Amazon chieftess told her. "My tribeswomen would make preparations to lie with the Holy Ones!"
"Servant girl? Holy Ones?!"
The Amazon closest to Solo elbowed her in the ribs. "Work with us here, willya?" the Junior Amazon whispered.
Stupidhead glanced at the Junior Amazon questioningly.
The Amazon Chieftess spoke quickly. "Ah, we must go bathe and practice our swallowing exercises. We would be honored if the Holy Ones would come and bless our preparations."
"YES!!!!" cried Stupidhead leaping three feet in the air and clicking his heels.
"Biff not like to bathe," complained the giant Barbarian.
Stupidhead Stone Cursed him. "He'd love to come," said Stupidhead.
It took most of the tribe to drag the petrified Biff over to the bathing pools. Two Junior Amazons led Solo to a tidy little hut.
"Sorry about the handmaiden bit," one of them apologized once they were alone.
"What's going on here?" Solo wanted to know.
"Our chieftess was telling the truth when she said that we have no men of our own," explained the other Amazon. "But the reason for that is that we banished them all generations ago."
"We just got tired of them leaving the toilet seat up all the time," put in the other one.
"We've created a utopia here," the first Amazon went on. "We've eliminated war, hunger, poverty, and the Republican Party."
Solo was beginning to understand. "But there's still one thing that you need men for."
"That's right," said the second Amazon. "So, whenever a man arrives, we tell him that he's a god and that he must impregnate us."
"Our village is built on top of a natural portal to the Battle Net," explained the first Amazon. "After we finish with the men, we usually just chuck them through it."
"Would you like to stay and live in paradise with us?" the second Amazon asked Solo.
"What do you do between men?" asked Solo.
"Oh, lots of things," said the first Amazon looking Solo up and down.
"We're very open-minded," added the other Amazon, also checking her out.
"Whoa!" breathed Solo.
Everything went blue again and Ichabod found himself alone on the Battle Net. He seemed to be in one piece again and he'd finally ditched the studio audience. His CowLord armor was in perfect polished shape. Things had been so crazy lately, that the peace and quiet was a relief.
It didn't last.
There was a trail of bodies three thick on the path behind Maximum Evil and Dolt Lungren. Dolt had seen a lot of senseless bloodshed in his time, and been responsible for a fair portion of it, but this was getting to be too much.
"Look! A mutalisk!" cried Dolt, pointing behind the vicious PK.
Dolt chopped off Maximum Evil's head.
Sugar materialized just in time to see her arch-enemy crumple in a bloody heap under Dolt Lungren's axe. The second thing she noticed was what a fine specimen of bulging muscles and general physical prowess the strange warrior was.
She licked her lips. If he was half as good as he looked, he might be one of the lucky ones to learn why Mindy was called Magnificent.
Stupidhead was inconsolable. Somewhere along the line, the Boojum had morphed all his Viagra potions into Partial Healing potions. The Amazons had not been amused.
Biff patted the aged sorcerer on the back seeking to comfort him, but only succeeded in dislocating his spine.
As for Biff, the Amazons had spent several frustrating hours trying to explain the birds and the bees to Biff. Finally, someone suggested offering him food if he simply did what they said. Unfortunately, once started, Biff didn't know when to stop. His brain simply couldn't process the instructions that quickly. Several Amazons had been injured.
The whole episode turned out to be the biggest disappointment since that fiasco with Ima Newbie. They wasted no time dumping Stupidhead and Biff through the Battle Net portal. They threw Solo in too, just for good measure.
They were adrift on the Battle Net when Solo spotted CowLord. "Ichabod!" she called.
Ichabod sighed. He should have known the quiet was too good to last.
"Biff still hungry," complained the Barbarian who had never gotten the meal that the Amazons had promised.
"Any idea how we get back to Tristram?" Solo asked Ichabod.
Ichabod shrugged. "Through one of those portals, I suppose," he said. He really wasn't interested in getting involved in another Tristram misadventure.
"Which one?" asked Solo. There were thousands of them.
One more portal winked open and Red Vex and Wirt spilled through. It snapped shut behind them.
"It's turning into a regular family reunion," observed Solo. "What's wrong with Red Vex?"
"She and Lord Cool," began Wirt hesitantly. "They... were... They did..."
"Lord Cool scored?!" cried Stupidhead. This was the final insult.
"SCORED?!" screamed Red Vex, and fainted.
"Anyway, the encounter left Lord Cool dead and Red Vex totally frigid," explained Wirt. "She just screams and passes out whenever anyone mentions..." He glanced to make sure Red Vex was still unconscious."...S-E-K-S," he whispered.
"The Boojum," rasped Stupidhead.
"Pardon?" asked Ichabod.
"It's all the Boojum's fault," he said, furious. "Our being stuck here, Red Vex's condition, my Viagra..."
"VIAGRA?!" shrieked Red Vex, and fainted again.
Solo tried to revive the jumpy succubus. "Try to be a little more sensitive, will you, Stupidhead?" chided Solo.
"HEAD?!" Red Vex shrieked in Solo's ear and passed out again.
"Actually," admitted Ichabod, "I think the wizard may be right. The Boojum's clearly out of control."
"And it's up to us to stop it," said Solo.
"Let's not jump to conclusions," said Stupidhead.
"Solo is right," said Wirt. "Things are only going to get worse if we don't do something."
"Biff still hungry," said Biff, feeling left out.
"What can the six of us do against the Boojum?" Stupidhead wanted to know.
"We have to do something," argued Solo. "We can't just lay back and accept defeat without..."
"LAY BACK?!" shrieked Red Vex and fainted again.
"For Zak's sake," said Wirt slapping the succubus awake. "You can't keep screaming and fainting whenever anyone says any tiny little thing."
"TINY LITTLE THING?!" screamed Red Vex fainting again. The phrase "tiny little thing" had reminded her of Lord Cool. She would be out cold for quite some time this time.
"Anything's better than this," said Ichabod lowering his visor. "WE GO FORTH TO BATTLE THE BOOJUM!" He opened a portal.
Chief Medical Officer Pepin was delivering his report to Captain Farnham in the sick bay of the Terran United Federation of Free Worlds starship, Azure Drake. "Placing a human brain in the body of a super-powered life-like android is such a dangerous and untested procedure that we didn't dare risk using one of the good brains," explained Pepin. "Luckily, we had Lord Cool's."
Captain Farnham nodded. "I couldn't help noticing that your android is a statuesque blonde with big knockers. Why is that?"
Dr. Pepin shrugged. "Seemed funnier that way."
On the operating table, Lord Cool slowly regained consciousness. He/she was about five seconds away from the biggest shock of his/her life.
Maximum Evil restarted in town. But the town was Westmarch. He looked around, puzzled. His Godmode power should have made it impossible for the barbarian, Dolt Lungren, to kill him. And even if he had died, he should have awakened in Tristram, not here. There was a force at work here that dwarfed even his power.
A black cloud enshrouded the town. Everything was as still as death.
"Ah," cooed a rumbling voice from the Darkness. "My little man."
Max felt a sensation akin to receiving an affectionate pat on the head.
"So evil," said the voice approvingly.
Max looked up into the pure essence of Evil. It was an evil so pure and vast that it made Diablo look like Shirley Temple with a lollipop. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.
"Oh, master," he sighed adoringly.
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