Mutation 6: Love the One You're With

by Rob

It was then that Lord Cool stopped whacking Wirt for a moment and spoke . .

And he said, "Oh fuck."

The Boojum, as some would call it, had indeed gone mad. In its insanity, it left its most foul creation to roam free across the Battle Net. A cloud of darkness emerged. A roar filled the town square and, for a moment, the group fell silent as they beheld the fabled Lag Demon.

The group instantly turned its attention to the monster as they fought for their lives, or possibly their sanity, whichever really was a stake here. Ichabod threw down his visor, but before he could yell that legendary war cry, he noticed his suit was making an odd beeping sound and one of the buttons was flashing red. He thought to himself, "That's odd, the suit's never done this before." He was about to push the button, then remembered the last time this situation had occurred and how it caused his torso unit to self-destruct. Two months of intensive surgery and it still took him nearly three hours just to use the crapper. In the end though he threw caution to the wind and pressed the button.

In front of him, upon his visor, appeared two futuristic soldiers. The first said, "Sir, we've located the beast and are currently approaching his position now."

The second one answered, "Good. You've been authorized to use any force necessary to destroy it. We have back-up units approaching. You end this craziness now and expect to see a promotion in the near future. You screw up though and we may end up with another Zerg incident on our hands."

CowLord felt a terror rush through his body. The CowLord did fear something and he had just found it. The Boojum's madness was not limited to just his little niche, it had spread through out the entire Battle Net. Then he saw the battleship appear in the sky.

The town of Tristram lay in ruins. The many mighty heroes who had been fighting were either dead or dying save a short few like CowLord who were only badly injured. The mighty battleship that once rushed through the sky like the angel Michael come to save them from hell's fury now bore a greater resemblance to Gabriel, nearly destroyed by the beast.

Then the flashing red light lit up again. Hoping, praying that it was the promised reinforcements CowLord pressed the button.

His torso unit exploded with a blinding flash. Lying on the ground wondering how much of his bum was left this time, he saw the two men reappear on his visor. The first looked heavily wounded and the picture was hazy. He said, "Sir, it's nearly destroyed us. Shields are at zero percent. Body armor is almost gone. Engines and life support are at minimal power. Requesting permission to enact Plan B."

The second man took a moment to think it over, then said, "Permission granted. Nuke the SOB with everything you've got."

Stupidhead the Weak Summoned forth his power and let Apocalypse loose.

The war ship launched its missile.

CowLord ran away from the field screaming, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF DODGE NOW!"

In a blazing light show everything disappeared.

Tristram - Eight Days Later

Sugar woke up in the early morning with the puppy Deathspit curled up close beside her. She got up and began her morning journey to Pepin's hut, the puppy close behind.

It had been six days since she woke up in the forest with that strange man lying beside her. She had no idea what had happened over the last few days or even where she was. If not for Deathspit and his keen sense of direction, she never would have found her way back to Tristram. She had spent hours just trying to drag the man back with her. Now she felt he was kind of her responsibility, also she thought he may hold the answer to what had happened to her and her lost companions.

Pepin and his apprentice Gillian greeted her at the door. Pepin said, "It's not good. The man is definitely insane. In fact he's beyond even what I have seen in the past. I think that suit he was wearing might hold some clue to what he is. I'd have Griswold look at it if he hadn't up and disappeared without a trace a week ago."

The three walked in and found Conjurer Ichabod trying to dress himself in his space suit. Pepin yelled, "Quick, hold him down!"

Gillian and Sugar used all their strength to hold down Ichabod as Pepin gave him a happy shot.

A stupid smirk went over Ichabod's face and he sang,

"You're broke, your job's a joke, your love life's deranged.
Seems like your always stuck in second gear,
when hasn't been your day, your month, or even your year,
but I'll be there for you,
like I've been there before, I'll be there for you,
when the rain starts to pour, I'll be there for you, 'cause you're there for me tooooo."

Pepin said, "There he goes singing that song again. I feel like it holds some inner meaning to his madness."

Fourteen Miles West of Tristram - Two Hours Later

It had been four days since Dolt Lungren had woken up lost in the woodlands. Accompanied by this vile black warrior calling himself Maximum Evil, he had traveled almost completely in circles following paths in their search for the road back to Tristram.

In the distance, Dolt saw a weary traveler walking down the path towards them. He said to his companion, "This time just stay out of it and let me get some
directions."

Dolt approached and said, "Hi, I'm trying to get from here to Tristram. Any chance you can give us some directions, possibly a map?"

The traveler said, "Really? I'm heading there too. I could use a little company and I have more than enough food for all of us on the journey."

Suddenly, Maximum Evil ran a blade ran through the traveler's neck. Dolt yelled, "Damn you! We'll never get back if you keep killing everybody. Now promise you won't do this again."

With a little bit of regret, Maximum Evil Promised. Dolt saw another person and approached. No sooner had he said "hi" than did Maximum Evil slay him too.

Dolt yelled "You promised!"

Maximum Evil said, "I didn't do it. It twas Griswold that did it."

Dolt said, "Nonsense. Griswold doesn't go around killing innocents like this...." Confused, Dolt looked around. "Where is Griswold? I haven't seen him since yesterday."

Dolt and Maximum Evil stared at each other a long while before Dolt finally said, "Damn you!"

A Massive Jungle in Western Europe

Stupidhead fell through the skies into the massive jungles of western Europe. A tree managed to break his fall and, shortly after, Solo and Biff followed. The three started to get up and noticed they were surrounded by topless amazon women pointing spears in their direction.

The group fell to the ground and started to worship the trio. Then one stepped through the pack. She was definitely the tribe chief, because everyone knows that in a topless amazon tribe, the amazon with the largest bust is always the chief. She said, "You two gods have fallen through the sky to guide us and impregnate us with your immortal young as the prophecy says."

Biff said, "But Biff not god."

Stupidhead hit him on the back of his head with his staff and said "Shut up, stupid oaf."

Biff just said, "M-O-O-N. that spells oaf."

The chief continued, "We'll show our best hospitality to you O great ones and to your female servant."

Solo wasn't very amused by the role they assumed she held. Stupidhead thought this day should be celebrated by an annual beach party followed by an annual orgy. Then he thought the hell with the beach party.

Fourteen Miles Above Tristram - Two Hours Later

Captain James T. Kirk sat on the bridge of the Terran battleship going over there next move. The ship was barely able to fly through the sky, but they couldn't retreat. They had to find some way to stop that beast. Dr. McCoy walked in and said "Jim, our guests have awakened."

Lord Cool looked Red Vex over. He said, "Hey baby, we're all alone. How about you and me get it on?"

Red Vex said, "I am the sum of all of man's lustful sins. I am evil incarnate. Sex with me would be a very painful and excruciating experience, mortal."

Lord Cool screamed, "Woohoo, Jackpot!"

Wirt wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.

Captain Kirk entered, accompanied by McCoy and First Officer Spock. Spock said, "What an odd bunch. Their behavior seems to defy any logic I know of."

McCoy said "Your logic doesn't account for human emotion you green blooded machine."

"Doctor, I wouldn't dismiss my logic so quickly."

"I would. Your logic doesn't account for things like love, and compassion, and human nature, and licking whip cream off Nurse Chapel's naked chest in the Captain's seat of the bridge after Jim has gone to sleep."

Kirk said, "My God Bones! You're being put on immediate probation and I want a new chair put in the bridge right away."

Scottie burst in the room and said, "Sir, she's bad. The dilithium crystal's been destroyed and I'm not sure where we could find another power source on this planet."

Wirt said, "I have a dilithium crystal for sale."

"How much?"

"Fifty thousand space credits."

Scottie screamed, "Fifty Thousand! Only a fool would pay that much."

"Take it or leave it."

"Well, let me see what kind of condition it's in first."

"Sure, that'll be fifty space credits."

Westmarch - Noon

The town of Westmarch stood silent. Houses and shops ran along the streets. Litter filled the areas. It's odd to think that just this morning Westmarch was a bustling metropolis with many men and women waking up and starting their morning rotuines. But now it lay deserted without a single soul left to tell of its glory. And the dark cloud, holding God only knows what, that had engulfed it at ten this morning now moved on away from the town.