My Heart Will Go On
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Who’s Datable in Tristram?

The Men of Tristram


Note: If you go by his place and he's in there going 'Whoa!' by himself, come back later.Griswold

Pros: Lots of stamina, good with his hands; will protect you from monsters

Cons: Chunky, Sweaty; male pattern baldness. May say "Whoa!" during intimate moments.

(you don't really want to hear this. keep moving.)


Cain.bmp (308278 bytes)Cain

Pros: Good conversationalist; knowledgeable

Cons: Will talk you to sleep, but may be able to convince you that you had a good time anyway.


Pepin01.bmp (308278 bytes)Pepin

Pros: Gentle, sensitive, kindly; has access to some good potions.

Cons: Kind of whiny and annoying; may be dating Adria.


Wirt1.bmp (308278 bytes)Wirt

Pros: Young, desperate to get laid. Easy to outrun or beat up.

Cons: Really annoying; never picks up the tab. Charges 50 gold pieces per date.


"Adria used to insist that I call her 'Good Master.' 'Yes, Good Master!' 'More, Good Master!' Perhaps I've shared too much..."Ogden

Pros: Free drinks, good cook.

Cons: Married, boring, also kind of whiny. Will call you "Good Master."


Farnham1.bmp (308278 bytes)Farnham

Pros: Sleeps a lot. Easy to find.

Cons: Will throw up on you.


Nut02.bmp (308278 bytes)Conjurer Ichabod a.k.a. The Complete Nut a.k.a. CowLord, Master of the Pasture

Pros: Free milk

Cons: Walking through cow pasture at night to meet him.


Lester2.bmp (308278 bytes)Farmer Lester

Pros: Outdoorsy; earthy. Free milk.

Cons: Will bring cows on dates.


Laz01.bmp (308278 bytes)Lazarus

Pros: None, but glowing red eyes do make attractive nightlight.

Cons: Will compare you to his other girlfriends. Likes to sacrifice young boys to Dark Master. At least, that's what he said last time he got caught with a young boy.


Lachdanan03.bmp (308278 bytes)Lachdanan

Pros: Tortured, brooding; may be good-looking under armor.

Cons: Undead. Will not remove armor. Explodes when he drinks golden elixir.


Diablo1.jpg (6091 bytes)Diablo

Pros: Get introduced as Lord and Lady of Terror at parties.

Cons: Will kill you.


We hope you've enjoyed these excerpts from Dumptruk's Guide to Love and Dating in Tristram enough to go out and buy a copy and to tell all your friends that you'll burn down their villages if they don't buy copies too. Dumptruk's Guide to Love and Dating in Tristram is published by the Tristram Scribes Guild and is available at fine bookstores everywhere, including Barnes and Noble of Tristram (formerly Tavern of the Rising Sun). Come have a latte or an Elixir of Vitality and enjoy some fine literature.

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Last update: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 06:16 AM
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