Who’s Datable in Tristram?

The Men of Tristram

Griswold

Pros: Lots of stamina, good with his hands; will protect you from monsters

Cons: Chunky, Sweaty; male pattern baldness. May say "Whoa!" during intimate moments.

(you don't really want to hear this. keep moving.)

Cain

Pros: Good conversationalist; knowledgeable

Cons: Will talk you to sleep, but may be able to convince you that you had a good time anyway.

Pepin

Pros: Gentle, sensitive, kindly; has access to some good potions.

Cons: Kind of whiny and annoying; may be dating Adria.

Wirt

Pros: Young, desperate to get laid. Easy to outrun or beat up.

Cons: Really annoying; never picks up the tab. Charges 50 gold pieces per date.

Ogden

Pros: Free drinks, good cook.

Cons: Married, boring, also kind of whiny. Will call you "Good Master."

Farnham

Pros: Sleeps a lot. Easy to find.

Cons: Will throw up on you.

Conjurer Ichabod a.k.a. The Complete Nut a.k.a. CowLord, Master of the Pasture

Pros: Free milk

Cons: Walking through cow pasture at night to meet him.

Farmer Lester

Pros: Outdoorsy; earthy. Free milk.

Cons: Will bring cows on dates.

Lazarus

Pros: None, but glowing red eyes do make attractive nightlight.

Cons: Will compare you to his other girlfriends. Likes to sacrifice young boys to Dark Master. At least, that's what he said last time he got caught with a young boy.

Lachdanan

Pros: Tortured, brooding; may be good-looking under armor.

Cons: Undead. Will not remove armor. Explodes when he drinks golden elixir.

Diablo

Pros: Get introduced as Lord and Lady of Terror at parties.

Cons: Will kill you.

We hope you've enjoyed these excerpts from Dumptruk's Guide to Love and Dating in Tristram enough to go out and buy a copy and to tell all your friends that you'll burn down their villages if they don't buy copies too. Dumptruk's Guide to Love and Dating in Tristram is published by the Tristram Scribes Guild and is available at fine bookstores everywhere, including Barnes and Noble of Tristram (formerly Tavern of the Rising Sun). Come have a latte or an Elixir of Vitality and enjoy some fine literature.

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