by tempus fugit
Disclaimer: (/keyboard warning) This story is a product of a feverish vision of future writings. As such, it has yet to be written, if at all. Also, it may contain adult images, so you may want to keep it away from young children. Assuming that they are still underage by the time this story is actually written. (/end keyboard warning)
L.C. woke up to a featureless white ceiling and thought 'Sugar must've just cleaned the sheets and tossed them over my head.' Sleep fogged, it took L.C. a moment to realize that the air seemed rather cool for being under a sheet, and then flailed around briefly, discovering nothing covering his body. Speaking of nothing... something seemed to be missing. L.C. slowly reached down and carefully felt around. Followed by some not so careful feeling around. Reaching over with the other hand, L.C.'s upper arm banged into something soft, which s/he began to happily explore.
Chief Medical Officer Pepin stared through the one way glass mirror at L.C. 18, or 'Elsie', as they were known. This time he'd managed to install a full surround set of holocameras and microphones, but he still preferred the real thing. The recordings would be used later to earn him some real money - Those 'heal now, get paid by insurance later' patients barely paid his expenses.
Unexpectedly, the Sickbay door opened, and Captain Farnham stumbled in. Pepin usually didn't mind the Captain, as Farnham had long ago mastered the art of delegating all his duties while getting drunk. 'Can't a fella record in peace?', the healer thought to himself. Farnham barely glanced at Elsie, muttering, "Is our latest hope ready yet? What ales you, my friend?"
Annoyed, Pepin turned off the recorders. "Starting the info dump now, sir." He'd been holding off, wanted to get an unspoiled recording. After all, there wasn't much hurry... none of the 17 previous Elsies had succeeded. Farnham, impatient, pushed Pepin out of the way and began pushing keys.
"We limited the others, need to know and all that, Ha! This time, I'm downloading everything we know into her!" Pepin looked stricken, and tried to push Farnham away from the console. "No! We don't know what the effects will be on Lord Cool's brain! My tests show it cannot take the strain!"
On the other side of the mirror, Elsie stopped feeling herself as information overloaded her brain. Finally the onslaught slowed and then stopped as every bit of data C.A.I.N. knew was loaded into her android brain. For a long moment she simply absorbed and processed the data. Finally, one coherent thought emerged. 'I need to get laid.'
She began sorting the data... Farnham was a drunk, Pepin a lecherous old wimp, C.A.I.N. a boring computer, and Griswold seemed more the type to wear a skirt ('kilt' echoed the information in her brain). But wait... there was another male aboard, one she recalled as being truly capable and well hung...
Pepin and Farnham, busy arguing, failed to notice as Elsie18 got up, opened the door, and went to find Lord Cool's brain. Since Farnham had specified everything, as she went, she mentally contacted C.A.I.N. with the correct override passwords and ordered the creation of the body of Lord Cool's dreams. Well, the male one anyway.
Arriving at the lab, Elsie quickly set up a Horadrim portal using C.A.I.N.'s knowledge and activated it. As soon as C.A.I.N.'s remote units finished Lord Cool's new body and sealed in his brain, she grabbed it and escaped through the portal before Pepin or Farnham could notice that she was missing.
The portal opened into the chaos that was battle.net, but with her enhanced memories Elsie easily picked out her destination and stepped through the portal to the other side.
As the portal closed behind her, three surprised men looked up from their picnic table in a park. Rob looked at Steve. Steve looked at Stephen. Stephen looked at Rob. Rob looked at a female jogger going by. Steve looked at Elsie and Lord Cool. Stephen looked confused.
Elsie smiled brightly and spoke to the gathered authors. "Hi dad. Hi other dad. Hi uncle. I'm L.C. 18 now, so I've decided I need a rest from these crazy situations you keep putting me in. I just dropped by to say I've found the perfect man and I'm settling down with him somewhere quiet for lots of hot sex. Bye now, don't try to find me."
Elsie opened another Horadrim portal and hopped into it, vanishing from sight. Rob spoke up first "d@mm!t, who wrote us into the story again? At least get me that jogger!" Steve began counting on his fingers and toes, then Rob's fingers and toes, and finally Stephen's fingers. "It looks like Stephen's turn." Stephen looked up and yelled, "Look, the boojum!"
The female jogger bounced up to Rob. "Hi!..." And the world faded out.
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