Mutation 18: The Battle of the Boojum

by Rob

The heroes emerged from the church: Stupidhead the Weak, Biff, Elsie, Sugar, Solo, Dolt, Red Vex, and the puppy Deathspit. Solo said, "Now that wasn't so hard."

"I know," said Dolt. "That Adversary guy was a real push-over."

"Too bad CowLord couldn't be with us. I wonder what did happen to him."

"Probably dead," said Stupidhead. "If not, then I would presume he's forever lost in the Battle Net. C'mon L.C., I'll see what I can do to fix you up."

Soaked in blood, Maximum Evil ran carrying his new hostage, Lazarus. Thinking himself safe, he threw Lazarus on the ground and said, "Now talk, damn you, where is Lord Cool?"

"I swear I don't know," begged Lazarus. "If I'd found him, don't you think I would have given him..."

Seeing the interest on Maximum Evil's face, Lazarus shut up. Could it be that he really didn't know what Lazarus was talking about? That taking Lazarus was just a desperate attempt of escape and not a plan to steal...

"You would have given him what?"

"Nothing. I have nothing to give him."

Maximum Evil held up Lazarus and said, "Don't play games with me, church boy. What would you have given him?"

"This!" screamed Lazarus holding out the stone. "It magnifies the essence of good and evil in a being to untold measures. It's very unstable though. I'm not sure what the results would be."

Maximum Evil held the stone in his hands. Suddenly a burst of energy shot through his body. Max felt a surge of power coursing through his veins like he had never felt before. His body grew breaking through his armor. His hands stretched down to his feet with his hands holding black long nails at the end. His head grew enormous, roughly the size of what his entire body used to be. His eyes went a dark black. His entire body turned black. When he was done he stood thirty-eight feet tall looking down at the cowering priest. He said, "I AM BEYOND THE POINT OF MAXIMUM EVIL. NO LONGER SHALL THAT BE MY NAME. FROM NOW ON I SHALL BE KNOWN AS THE CREATURE FORMALLY KNOWN AS MAXIMUM EVIL!"

Suddenly, a voice echoed through the cavern, "Maximum Evil."

"THAT'S THE CREATURE FORMERLY KNOWN AS MAXIMUM EVIL, THANK YOU," the creature formally known as Maximum Evil retorted.

"Shut up you idiotic excuse for a right hand man."

The creature formally known as Maximum Evil bent down on one knee and said, "MASTER, YOU LIVE!"

"And you have failed me."

Panicking, the Prince rip-off said, "PLEASE, I BEG YOU TO SPARE ME. IT WASN'T MY FAULT. THEY GROSSLY OUT-NUMBERED ME. PLEASE, JUST ONE MORE CHANCE!"

"That chance you shall have. I present you with a force that can destroy them. Meet the anti-heroes."

A blue portal opened up. First came out a bard that looked a little like Solo. With a giggle in her voice she said, "I'm kind of horny, do you want to fuck?"

Next, came out a mage that looked like Stupidhead, but much younger. He said, "You can call me Arch-Mage Suave." Then he looked over to Evil Solo and said, "Hey beautiful, let's say you and me get it on?"

Evil Solo just giggled. Then Biff walked through the portal and said, "I think the most efficient way to annihilate our enemy is to bypass the warp containment field regulators and tap directly into the prehensile diabolic retention grid."

Next, came something that resembled Sugar, but she was huge, at least five-hundred pounds. Warts growing on her nose. Hair growing from her chest. It was the most hideous thing the creature formally known as Maximum Evil had ever seen. Then came Evil Cow Lord. Upon entering Hell, he saw a small mouse, then screamed like a girl before huddling in a fetal position shaking in the corner.

The next one was a nun. Obviously Red Vex's counterpart. Then came the final abomination. It looked just like the creature formally known as Maximum Evil's former body. It said, "I don't see why we all can't just get along in harmony. Singing is so much better then fighting. Come on everyone, join in, you know the words. C'mon people now, smile on your brother, love one another right now."

Ichabod woke up. It was a bright sunny day. Solo walked in wearing his favorite teddy. She said, "I hope you don't mind dear. I woke up before you and decided to make a little breakfast."

"Why would I mind?" asked Ichabod.

"I thought maybe you'd like to fool around a little before you got dressed."

Life was good for Ichabod. But boy was that dream weird. Ruler of the cows. Alien invasions. The Boojum. The Adversary. It all seemed so distant now. After being awake a few minutes he found himself forgetting most of the memories of the dream as his real life memories came back. He was Ichabod, champion race car driver by day, male super model by night. Life was good.

Solo pulled the straps away from her side and let the teddy hit the floor. "So did you want to fool around a little?" Life was really good.

Mounting Solo, Ichabod got the feeling that something wasn't quite right. He couldn't take his mind off it. Some minor detail was wrong. And about that dream, what did he always say. Something about fear.

"Oh, oh, oh, is something the matter dear?" asked Solo.

"Something just doesn't feel right."

"Do you want to try more lubricant?"

"No, not that, something's wrong. This world is wrong, I don't think I belong here."

Suddenly Solo morphed in to a Zerg. Ichabod screamed, "Jesus Christ!" and turned the thing in to Swiss cheese. It was starting to come back. This was the work of the Adversary no doubt. He'd have to stop him. It was war. He could smell battle in the air.

Brought back to his former self Lord Cool said, "I'm telling you, you screwed up somewhere."

"Oh L.C.," said Stupidhead, "everything was done right. You're perfect."

"I swear my penis used to be bigger!"

"It wasn't, but fine. Hand me the potion of growth."

"What happened to it?" asked Lord Cool.

Lying on the floor with an empty bottle, Biff said, "Biff don't feel good."

"My God!" screamed Stupidhead. "That was concentrated and he drank the whole thing."

Suddenly Biff grew to over forty-five feet tall. Stupidhead said, "He'll make a great ally now, assuming he doesn't eat us of course."

After returning to the Cow Level Ichabod's faithful servants refitted him in his armor. Ichabod turned to his top bullrog and said, "I'm going to need a mount for battle. Not just any mount either. I think it's time to pull out the secret weapon."

"You mean..."

"Yes, that."

The two walked down the hallway to the secret room. The bullrog opened the door. Sitting there on the floor was the master mount of cow ruler champions. It was the flying pig.

"Steady as she goes, Mr. Solo," said Kirk as the Enterprise flew over Tristram.

Solo said, "Sir, there seems to be another ship approaching us."

"Well, who is it?"

Spock answered, "Although it's highly illogical, my readings would indicate that it's the Starship Enterprise."

Uhura said, "Sir, they're hailing us. Should I respond?"

"Yes, do that," said Kirk.

Captain Picard appeared on his screen and said, "Greetings, Starship Enterprise. I'm here from the future and I can use your assistance."

"It's him!" screamed Kirk. "He ended my movie career. Ready torpedoes. Raise shields. Go to red alert. Divert all non-essential power to phasers and fire when ready. We're going to kick some next generation ass."

The Terran forces stood outside Tristram. Amidst an army of tanks and spaceships, a Marine sergeant was standing in front of his men saying, "Now it ain't going to be pretty out there. A lot of you boys ain't coming back from this battle. But this is it. Today will be decided not just our survival or the survival of our race. Today will decide the survival of countless worlds both those known to us and those alien to us. Even our arch-enemies the Zerg and the Protoss need a victory for their species to survive. We're Marines, and we never back down from a fight. Let's give 'em hell."

Suddenly, a missed torpedo flew done from the space battle overhead and landed in the middle of the unit. The sergeant yelled "AND SO IT BEGINS! IT'S WAR NOW! ONWARD CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS!"

The army rushed forward in to battle and was greeted by a swarming mass of smurfs. Valiant Marines tried desperately to shoot the little critters as the climbed into their armor and attack them from the inside.

Commanded by Stupidhead the Weak on his shoulder, giant Biff charged in to battle to face the creature formally known as Maximum Evil. The two gargantuans battled it out in the town square. 

Arch-Mage Suave saw Stupidhead riding on Biff. He flew through the air and knocked him down. A magical battle began fifty feet above Tristram.

The LOS charged in to the DOW. Even December himself was a little fearful of their leader The Lord of The Barrels looming over them.

The storm troopers out numbered the Zerg twenty-to-one. However, the fact that they couldn't manage to hit evil Sugar at point blank range meant this was insignificant. The battle looked in the Zerg's favor until a Terran member shouted, "Oh my God, it's a star destroyer."

In the distance, they saw a herd of cows led by Chief Sitting Bull racing forward and flying above the army was a single man on a flying pig.

The orcs had gathered outside of Tristram. The time for attack was now. Their general led them forward as the forces marched upon the humble human town.

Dumptruk stood upon the hill leading the army of Barbarians in to battle. They charged down to meet the orc threat.

In the middle of town square, Evil Maximum Evil ran around with a sign that said, "Make Love, Not War."

The Adversary appeared on the battlefield, a huge ball of darkness. The man on the flying pig flew straight towards it then screamed, "BRITNEY SPEARS FEARS NOTHING!" as he threw a lasso in to the darkness. It caught something. The strength of the beast pulled Ichabod right off his steed and he held on to the lasso for dear life.

The Sisters of the Sightless Eye had joined the battle. One could be heard to shout above the sounds of battle, "I am Valeria Desdemona Sapphire Stars-in-the-Heavens-over-Riparia of the House of Halla."

Rich was in his bedroom getting jiggy with it with SilverRaven. Suddenly Mr. Noone burst in and said, "What the hell is this? I thought you were supposed to be gay!"

Rich said, "Well...Um...You see..." and then shrieked like a little girl as a band of orcs burst in to the room.

Ichabod was slowly climbing his way up to the Adversary when he saw a huge portal open over Tristram. Shocked, he let go and fell the fifty feet to the ground. A huge prismatic ball emerged.

Stupidhead the Weak said, "What is that?"

Ichabod answered, "It's the master of the Boojum, and I think he's pissed."

Rob, Steve, and Stephen were sitting in the park enjoying a pitcher of lemonade while discussing the future of the Collaborative Carnage. Suddenly, a portal opened and out stepped the creature formally known as Maximum Evil. He walked through the park eating innocent bystanders.

Steve yelled, "Jesus Rob, did you do this?!"

Rob said, "How dumb do you think I am? What kind of idiot would write us in to the story?"

They both looked over at Stephen who was now jotting down words in at a frantic pace. Steve yelled, "Stephen!"

Looking up and seeing the monster, Stephen screamed, "EEK!" then ran into the bathroom.

Steve grabbed the paper as the beast was coming ever closer. "Quickly!" yelled Rob. "You have to write us out."

"I don't have a pen. Stephen must have taken it with him. I need a pen."

Rob went through his pockets and pulled out a pencil. Steve looked at it and said, "Are you sure you don't have a pen? I like them so much more."

Rob screamed, "Just hurry up and write us out!"

Steve started writing words on the paper. He paused for a few moments and said, "What's a better word for 'hated'?"

"Just write!"

"Well, I've already used it twice in this sentence..."

"Just write!"

The beast was nearly up to them. Steve said, "How do you spell anthropologist?"

"Use another word, damn it!"

"Fine, you know, you have no artistic vision."

The pencil broke. Steve desperately tried to chew the lead out of it. The beast was nearly upon them. Almost illegibly, Steve managed to write with the little bit of lead that was squeezed out. Finally he said, "There. Why haven't we gone yet?"

"Oh fuck. Remember how we agreed not to jump the gun on anyone's chapter? Until Stephen ends his chapter, he's the only one that can write us out."

"Well, where is Stephen?"

The creature formally known as Maximum Evil spat Stephen's head out at Steve. Steve said, "I knew we should have put a death clause in that agreement. Luckily I have a plan. Rob, I need you to distract him."

Then Steve pushed Rob forward as he ran off. Rob ducked behind the picnic table and looked for some sort of weapon, and a weapon was what he found.

Standing up from behind the table, Rob threw a handful of pebbles at the creature. A few hit its legs and bounced off. Rob quickly went through his pockets looking for his lighter. He found it. He pulled it out. He flicked it. Just sparks. He flicked it again. Just sparks. He flicked it again. Just sparks. No fluid. He looked at the creature formally known as Maximum Evil towering above him and said, "Back off mother fucker or I'll spark your ass!"

It laughed back at him. Then Steve jumped out of nowhere wearing a faded Raider's jersey and a baseball cap while screaming, "COW LORD FEARS NOTHING!"